So my question is, how is divorced life working out for ya? And my financial security My mom knew that my ex was cheating on me and spending my retirement savings on another woman and drugs. I feel like its wrecking my life. Her reply was pretty much he was wrong for being upset, wrong for being upset with her, that she didnt tell him because she was going to suprise him on his birthday. Seeing a therapist to try and find where Im wrong and its my fault that I am not around them, but she is there for everything including family events and bbqs. The best thing for your children is to see 2 loving parents despite circumstances. My heart breaks for her everyday. Then ask yourself why theyre still in touch, and find out how often and in what way they have contact. So I found it quite strange she bringing up a topic that we havent discussed. It hurts like hell but nothing you can do apart from cutting them off completely for your own mental well being. Ask your self why this is happenedIm sure you will found the answer.. I do feel we have an innate need to be backed up by our biological family but I agree that the needs of the children are paramount. After fighting a serious life threatening medical condition. After I talked to my mom who lives in his state, she started asking my uncles and they said they heard from my ex that the divorce was all my fault and I had an affair!!!! My parents were much more understanding. Then have the nerve to say it is better this way for them. I know exactly how you feel. He still lives in the same house as his soon-to-be ex. Ive gotten him a waiver for services and Im teaching him to drive. Adapted from a recent online discussion. If you're starting to doubt yourself, get a second opinion - from friends, family, or myself, as a dating and relationship coach. He quite happily told my Father that I couldnt do anything because I didnt have any money! You are setting healthy boundaries. He should respectfully bow out or do all he can to make you included. The whole thing just felt so imbalanced because I gave him the space he needed and I needed and cut ties with his family. It's not as if he's bringing the ex around. I have, unfortunately, learned to live with it. At some point though I have to decide, that if I can forgive them in my heart, I can keep it to myself. Life starts to become bl**dy brilliant. I told my family from the start that it was bullshit because they witnessed the drama, lies, allegations etc that she caused during the divorce. Im such a positive and optimistic person too!!! You can't compete with the years they have had together and you shouldn't want to. I explained that I did not want to feel uncomfortable at my own family gatherings. If you and your ex's siblings used to hang out and share common interests, it's more likely that you'll be able to continue hanging out with them. It sets the stage for romance without you. My family is small and his is huge. Many still kept in contact with me through online means.. but with time it faded, only those whom I had strong ties.. Have we managed to keep in touch. But they had no issue telling me all about mine. I have lived something similar to this. I value these connections, as without them.. My kids would have no connection with their mothers side of the family.. or least parts of it. This was despite the fact that I had no access to money, my home, possessions, car and mental/physical health problems. I am sorry for your children but pleased they have a wonderful new family. Its just me and my kids; and even them hes slowly turned them away from me! They suffer in ways no one understand, struggle financially and most of the time end up alone. About 20 years later my sister divorced her husband and cut me out of her life because I had coffee with her ex and his new partner when we were both in the same holiday destination and it is impossible to say whether my sister and I will ever speak again which is sad because at the end of the day I love her but I cant cope with her jealousy and double standards. So, there was an ulterior motive for him as well. Its such a devastating wound that although you can make eventually make some kind of peace with it; you dont want people who treat you like that in your life. So Im the new guy on the block, my new partner has two siblings, one of which refuses to engage with me and holds the ex husband in high esteem. They became good friends. I believe its the unhealthy family members that choose to have him in their life over me. Well recently he got a girlfriend and they have nowhere to go. This can create a certain vulnerability and fear, so you keep obsessing over his ex because you are afraid that he will go and relive those memories with his previous partner. Just dont put yourself in a position to be angry and dont let others put you in a position you dont want to be in when you have the power to do differently. He invites them over for barbecues. Nobody will care about you or attend your funeral. As this narcissistic cheater enjoys I am in so much pain. And the ex partner? All the years of marriage, I kept all the hurt and problems to myself. I need the public opinion what should I do now? If she needs any more evidence that shes blind and selfish, shes not paying attention. Its so beyond sick, I can confidently say my family is extremely toxic and invalidating, so it sounds like the authors family is absolutely that as well. It really is more about their own limitations and small mindedness. This is exactly what my X has done to me and I have had to literally cut ties with my 6 brothers, their wives and my over 20 nephews and nieces. One thing I noticed, that no one seemed to address, is the fact its the OP with the problem. At least my family knew they were wrong, because they hid that my sister was having a relationship with my ex-wife, whom I divorced because she was sneaking around and cheating on me. No, its not unreasonable to want your family as your family. My ex asked me to abort our children and knocked me on the ground when I was 8 months pregnant. temple whatsapp + 1 (561) 705 -1922. He said he put stuff away and come to bed. I do not know. Her advice, I need to focus on my kids succeeding and pull myself together because I am all they have and to break ties with them forever as they will only continue to cause me more hurt. Personally I think its the best thing for your children to have that closeness even though you to are not together. A few have since come aroubd sheepishly and Wowww the lies he told. They have worked everything out: who's having the kids when and she is waiting for her house sale to go through before she moves out. 6) He preens like there's no tomorrow. This also puts lots of stress on the family and will often have them resent one another for various reasons that where probably left unsaid. My mum keeps in contact with my ex who I was with for 6 months and who was abusive towards me. My issue is that I got divorced, and my 14 year old child took it badly. Whenever she brings a new guy on the scene, your boyfriend has a problem with it. Blood is thicker than water. My widowed sister who never really got to know my ex because we were military and voiced complaints about how he treated me invited him to her house for dinner. I promise to share the good work of your temple once my husband return back to me, Thing dont just work out until you make the right choice in your life, I made the right choice when i contacted priest manuka for help in restoring my broken marriage. I hear his ex talking sometimes. If it was mutual, your fault, his fault. You dont need to hate him or say you hate him if he hasnt behaved badly but you do need to think of your daughters feelings as she should be your primary concern. I almost get the feeling that your family doesnt truly understand how hard it is for you. Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Dont you ever think on the weekend. He compares you to her 7. I hurt daily alone with no sisters mom dad or family period but Im a mom now no longer a little girl. I listen to their stories and hold back the tears until Im alone because I dont want them to feel bad or think that they are doing anything wrong." Its mean and very hurtful. He has texted my dad telling him thanks for being there for him in the past and he still considers him a dad. From my perspective my family is the one that chose sides. I dont know if I could be a strong as you. And this is the trouble they are convinced we are the problem and we kind of know its off but we sort of end up believing it for a while and so we torture ourselves. Its become a politically correct or Internet based personal diagnosis way to say someone is an ass. I have been going through the same thing for the past 11 years. I would go there for holidays , weekends and just to visit. Yes he is just playing them all like a fiddle! Never!! They took him on the family vacation whenwe were divorced Tom talks to Nina when he sees her and they get along very well, but I cant help feel jealous. That understanding would save u a lot. Not exactly The Notebook. It is the worse feeling. She knew of all the abuse the ex did, the hell she put him through in the divorce, she financially ruined him, put him in debt $36,000. She can either put on her big girl panties and act like an adult who made a choice or be left out. Something my ex said when we signed our divorce papers also implied his new partner was kinda fed up with the whole thing as well. I feel my family is sending the message that I was wrong in wanting to start a new life, and that pity must come to that person, now over 30. This just isnt worth all the drama I am sorry but that is how i feel. If they are not fighting to keep you or at least meet you half way is it really worth the cost to your mental and physical health to fight to stay? The next day my husband came home, treated my head and heart and treats me gently, respectfully, and lovingly. I had no choice but to come to this money temple where LORD SAN did a money ritual spell that has turned me to the richest woman in my family linage, I just bought another house for my first daughter as her marriage gift. Anyone who then supports the actions of that person is condoning abuse. My sister and her husband now have limited contact with my oldest son. EIGHT of those friends are my family, including my mother. They can not be on their own that they have to steel from you, probably make it seem like youre the crazy one for having any boundaries. He fails to pay his alimony Shes overstepped too much and shared personal information regarding me to my inlaws. easy to see the narcissist here. I see kids who are well adjusted and able to enjoy important milestones in their lives, without a thought of who will, and who wont get along. Absolutely. Good luck with moving forwardand I post about my personal life all the time, most of my blogs are out of original material from my life. Say that the situation makes you feel uncomfortable and you worry theyll never accept you fully while the ex is still around. Wouldnt give them the time of day. I wasnt expecting it after 8 years divorced, my husband and I married for 2, and together for 6 1/2 years. I couldnt wait for them to move so I could have a relationship with them. I can see them inviting him for like dinner or an outing unrelated to you,but not for family affairs such as holidays or any other occasion where you are attending simply out of respect & consideration for you. This is exactly where the problem lies. Clearly your ex is better off without you and some other woman now sees the good in him that you took for granted and that causes you to be incredibly bitter and resentful. if you truly care about your sisters kids, you would respect her decision, give as much love and peace to the situation and please stop judging, because You never lived a day in her shoes. From what I had found out later on.. To be clear, I do not pity you at all. Yet she has my Ex over to fix her house and he has playdates with my nephews. If a family member chooses to support your Ex, by hanging out, inviting them, etc, then they are purposely ignoring your feelings. I am glad I found this web site and found I am not the only one with a very unusual family( blood is NOT thicker than water) I am now working on my NEW NORMAL. Omg, I am going through a similar situation. Ive cut ties with my brother and SIL. Try it! I had a stroke in May of this year and afterwards I told my father how betrayed I feel, and not supported by them. You say you love them but could it be trauma bonds? Thats not reality. She shouldnt have to continue being around her ex at her family events. I agree. You left the marriage you are wanting your family to choose sides he didnt ask for any of it you made those choices just because it seems like he has moved on with his life and found happiness again and you are living in the past doesnt mean he is doing anything wrong. I couldnt have children because of his infidelity. I cannot change them and will concentrate on the wonderful people who have supported me. They think its OK to have my ex in their lives because its work related but I know what my ex is like and he said that Im jealous of him being a father figure to my neice. Like maybe dont be in the same events. Of course my heart was ripped out and I have voiced my feelings about the whole situation to only be ignored. Please email me. My ex does. That means ur family are in support of that divorce if not they will not be friend to is girl friend and ur sister, is very bad for them to go out with is girl friend I did not support it. Its your family who need to see a psychologist! Of course.I would welcome them speaking to her. Just try to find your peace with it. I lost my child, family and home. And have kid. I havent went to my daughters bday parties that my ex and my mom throw together because my ex hates me. God Bless You. Is never invite my ex along with his new piece to hang out. You seem to have so much hatred in your heart that you would go to the highest of the extremities: Cutting people off just because they like him. It was just more of co-inhabiting together in our house and paying bills. Dont lose your children too by being too polite and accommodating to your ex. The hurt stays and never goes away. ", I have never told her how i feel and Im not sure it would even matter to her since she has stabbed me in my back most of my life! If the man is a good man, naturally family is going to surround him. You have the power to do the same. Its not about you!!! (read about it) I went to her house a few years ago to find my grandson wearing a dress. That means holidays & special events are divided. He has a huge family of his own and I wish hed just focus on them. You would be disappointed and deeply frustrated. MY family STILL invites her to family functions, and 80% of the time she comes. Dear John . I raised 3 kids attended events, school meetings etc . He agreed, but still, would fly her and my daughter down to his place for the weekend. Everyone always thought my dad was a humble and caring man. My father and now ex-wife were in an adjacent room but within earshot. Thats YOUR stuff. Be overly friendly, in fact. Soooo a person stays in an abusive relationship however long. My parents remained very close to my brother n law and he was pallbearer at my fathers funeral. like a narcissist . He doesnt take the kids to the dentist, doctor, for hair cuts or anything else they need beyond food. I know exactly how you feel. I have not spoke to them in 5 years. They are doing this to be evil. Even if she has a bad character or she cheated on her man, would you as a family member continue to identify with such person not processing her feelings. This family sounds toxic though, knowing youve been pushed out of the circle and that it hurts you, and yet still carry on with what they are doing.its like they are saying he is more of a necessity in their lives or more important than you. We were ok with that, it was what we were used to and there was only conflict when he was around. But the last 11 years of a 14 year marriage were brutal for both of us, Even my daughter, at age 11 told me I should divorce her, because she was wacko. That being said being divorced means the kids time will be split. They do not want to meet you. All of which know what he did to me in cheating on me while I was pregnant and living a double life and fomenting me to no end, yet still they like all his posts, gush over his pics with my son. She had been like a daughter to me. I can relate to this!! I dont know how to start new posts about daughters disowning fathers. But the rest Im done with. 6 Reasons Why Women are More Likely to File for Divorce Than Men. There is no one to mediate and none of his family talk about their problems the way I was brought up to do. Smh. The comments others have posted on this site, and on NPD Survivors, have helped me better understand my exs behavior and the unhealthy dynamics that exist in my family of origin. What image is being colored in the children minds from this situation? He knew my Mom and I had long term issues we had been working thru. This happened in my life as well. I refused to be controlled anymore and thank god for my Mum and brothers who did support me and make it possible for me to initiate divorce (he did not deny any of the unreasonable behaviour listed). Anyone in they right mind who think that this is okay is the ideal picture of betrayal. Your boyfriend's family probably still want him and his ex to get back together. 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